A night out at Highlanders

So what does a night out mean for a Tee-totaler?

A boring noisy night in the most outlandish set up amid people who are drowning in smokes and bubbles.

Not quite like that.

After a long time as much as I remember, to me this 'Night out' meant a good and quality time with my husband without worrying about household chores and more so about settling the kids. Mom was visiting us and I knew she is the one I can rely on for everything that can possibly go wrong when I am not at home. Yes I think I am a superwomen who can handle the kids, home. work and all so mundane chores with elan which I regard as keeping on the track.

So after putting the kids to bed, we set out on a calm and composed drive, listening to beautiful songs and enjoying every bit of time together. After much thought about the place, we ended up in Clarke Quay's 'Highlanders'.

A very upbeat loud Scottish pub with a location where you could just gaze out of the window to see the world pass by or facing inwards the large Alfresco with a great collection ( I think ) of Whisky and Wines. But my favourite part of the pub was good live music playing and engaging the dancers of all sorts. It was good to hold a glass of non-alcoholic drink and still being able to have a tempo to set the spirit high to groove and move just in place. It also sort of left me thinking gazing at the table just next to me with a big group of people, like having an After Party after Formula 1 Race. They were all cladded in casual yet flirtatious attire, the body language was flowy yet crisp, their talks were loose yet their wallets were tight. In a place like Singapore, it comes as a great feeling and gratitude towards the people to see how one can leave their wallets or phones on the table with a place overflowing with people and sheer darkness with only disco lights witnessing the move. The people were high and some of them were just cooling them off under the aircon, whilst others were shaking their booties in passage. Some of them were just waiting for a hook up , whilst others occupied a corner enjoying their sobriety.

I was enjoying encountering a variety of people under one roof and without being judgemental, I was probing their mood, attire and behaviour. A big group of girls grooving infront of us and almost pushing my husband to a corner were much like desperate housewives having the time of their life. Men almost my Dad's age were still looking for younger company and some young men were lost in the room reeking of ciggy.

My take away of the night was a good time spent , talking endlessly about our affair with life and driving back home to my little precious world.

No other love compares to this one

When people around say, "You will cherish these moments", I think to myself , "No". I can barely breathe at times after the time I have left after feeding, bathing and caring for my little one. I feel like my soul has been crushed somewhere to pieces so small, that is hard to even find now. Five extra minutes in the shower feel like a lifetime and one meet up with Besties after ages feel like I have got back my life.

I never thought I could love anyone more than my Dad, and then came my husband. I thought this would be the last love. And before I would be pleased, God sent an angel, my daughter. For 8 years, she was my world and my love for her was unmatchable. I was contented and life was great. While there was no reason to crack open my heart again, making it dependent upon the well being of yet another little person.

I knew our personal goals would be delayed, our travel trips put on hold and many comforts would be needed to sacrificed. As soon as I gave permission to myself, there it was. Yet another somebody whom I love incredibly and compares not to any other love I had before.

My living room is chaotic, kids are shrieking with uncanny hops and tumbles,with their dad equally enjoying this loud overwhelming love. I didn't quite imagine this scenario, neither did I know my daughter of such divine character in past even had such abilities. And moments later my heart pouring out with love only a mother can know watching her family. But this doesn't last long. One eye on the clock that reminds me that I am running fifteen minutes late to put kids to sleep which would impact only my schedule the next day ( who cares ). Also the bedtime is one of the best times to see cute button routines of reading the same book over and again, cuddles, hugs and kisses just pouring endlessly and some magic words before they finally rest, and me too. But kids are great at stalling sleep. Just so you know a mother's love can endure any reluctance to sleep, another reason for them to have conversations.

In morning with everyone is gone for the chores, me and my young buddy are home. This is the time when amid all ruckus we find some magic moments that make life worthwhile. I can't just wait to pick up my young man after he wakes up. All drooly and mushy love over my face and shoulders give a sense of belonging, The chubby little fingers are always reaching out for something they aren't supposed to. The little gaa gaa, made up words and beginning of talking is so endearing, I would want him to continue forever. Running my hands through his golden blonde smooth locks melts my heart and gives me such pleasure when it is enough to put him to sleep.  I love seeing him taking naps, they seem to be so angelic, faces seem so kissable that you want them to wake up to be in your arms. I would rather just keep that as a secret and never let him know, who would want to give a few hours of sanity! His loud toys and annoying songs have become so much a part that I keep humming it to myself.

The best of this routine is that he looks upto me for everything he needs- food, comfort, bath, change of clothes, nap, entertainment, play and of all love. It feels great to be responsible for someone who is my reflection, a part of me outside my body. Love grows and multiplies with family and leaves us with innumerable memories to last a lifetime.

Fabulous Four Decades

So what has changed for me?
Nothing much except I am aware of the fact that I have seen four decades. Fate has transpired against me and yup I turned Forty. I feel awesome and fabulous. Though I had apprehensions an evening before I turned forty about my life’s purpose and value, I am quite sure of one thing; I am here to make a difference in someone’s Life.

I feel there has been a whiff of air around me that smells new, flowers blooming looked prettier than yesterday and sky looked humble with bejewelled clouds spreading its wings of joys. I feel my best friend, my dad still watching upon me and joined by mother in law in someplace, they both are applauding my journey so far.

Things have changed and I feel amiss. But nothing I could do about, so I am learning to be strong. I feel these four decades have seen me through thick and thin. There have been so many valuable lessons squeezed in quiet and not so extra ordinary life of mine. I am loving getting older, spending life with my husband and my two loving children. I am learning many new things everyday from them that it seems like a new beginning. I am beginning to except my flaws and admitting seems like the first move towards redirecting myself for better version of me. I have become more tolerant of situations, though might not be in good light always.

My birthday week has given me tremendous peace and love. Spending time away from life’s busy arms is the best gift one could give to themselves. This week I have had great time with myself, knowing what gives me happiness and inculcating in little joys that bring a smile in the face from within. I am grateful that I am meeting people in life for a reason and there is some connect with every soul we meet here. Life is uncertain and the only way to diminish these uncertainties is to mask them with memories. I would love to create endless memories and live life till I fade. Let this decade be an inward journey.

Kiaan is officially a Toddler !#?

My Darling Kiaan,

Congratulations. You are One ! and officially a Toddler now.

Although just considering that my heart aches. Not long before you were put on my chest and tiny hands and legs curled up on my face. I was all prepared for that day. I had make up on, so I guess!

Since then how amazing it has been to watch you grow and learn everyday. You have been looking at life with big eyes and your long black hair have been the talk of the town. Everyone who saw you commented what an alert baby you are. Mommy's love and Dad's charisma left you spellbound and active. You learnt 'FOMO' quite early.

First few months you were blessed to have all your loved ones around you pampering you and carrying you at a drop of a hat. My favourite part of those times was you falling asleep on me and your soft cheeks squished against my arms or face and I just wanted time to stop there. But time moved on very quickly.

But all this while it has not been an easy ride through the year with you. Ever since your birth our lives had been frantic and exhausting with you being an attention demanding, energetic and alert child. I would wonder everyday where do you get this force of life from? Your cry has been far most the most devastating part of the journey. I felt so helpless not knowing your need at times and that made our lives (days and nights) long and miserable in the beginning. But soon you fell in routines and that made you calm to some extent and part of the day and night. Phew! What relief it was to see you happy, giggling and little noises you made with your parted lips. You saved your beautiful first smile for me and that made my day when I so desperately needed it.

You love so many things, books and a lot of books, balls, ride-ons, crinkling paper, getting off the bed, touching fans and wires, your socks and shoes, your carrier and many more. You love listening to the music just like mommy does. You love roaring like a tiger. We love that too. And you love bath time so much, playing and feeling water for the first time amazed you so much that you kept doing it again. You have a smirky look that I am totally gaga over. After evening snack, you can't wait to just go out in your pram. And once I let you out of pram, you just can't control your freedom. You go on the slide from the wrong side, drifting slowly yourself up the slide and you did manage it the first time you did. What an achievement it was for you my boy! You love playing with Tanvi didi, You are mostly up in the evening by the time she comes back, so eager to hug her and play with her. She loves you to moon and back.

You have five teeth and look so cute. But trust me when I say, it hasn't been easy on either of us or you. The unending battles in the night not knowing so clearly what is bothering you, whether it is an earache, tummy ache or just itchiness in the gums is making you cranky and restless. Your loud and inconsolable cries especially in the night were enough to bring down whole of our world. Your anxious wails made us feel incompetent even after having already raised an angelic child.

What I love the most about you ? Well, I can go on forever and still won't be able to list what is it the most I love about you. To begin with, I love you for who you are, our baby. I love the way your tiny fingers wrap around my face, my chest and my fingers. The featherlike touch is so magical. You little coos make my heart melt and I just want you remain this tiny. I love the silly sounds you make, they are the sweetest sounds I have heard.

Most importantly you love your mom, dad and sister. No wonder your first few words were Mumma, Dida, and Baba (quite late though, not liked by your dad). The year passed by so quickly, that I guess I didn't had enough of baby time with you. Now look at you, you have not just been walking confidently but at times running so fast, it's hard to catch you. And you are so clever that you never miss clacking of doors, so you just know when they are open. You make us follow to the room, just to see you leaning on the bed and enjoying the chase game.

My Son, you are growing up fast and I don't want to remember awful times we had together, whether it was multiple blood test, needle pricking those tiny feet would have made any heart ache or keeping you naked in bilibed with your beautiful eyes covered to protect you from razor sharp light. You are our son-shine and we are so glad we are your parents. Thanks for coming into our lives.

Happy First Birthday Kiaan. It's a beginning of so many new things.