No other love compares to this one

When people around say, "You will cherish these moments", I think to myself , "No". I can barely breathe at times after the time I have left after feeding, bathing and caring for my little one. I feel like my soul has been crushed somewhere to pieces so small, that is hard to even find now. Five extra minutes in the shower feel like a lifetime and one meet up with Besties after ages feel like I have got back my life.

I never thought I could love anyone more than my Dad, and then came my husband. I thought this would be the last love. And before I would be pleased, God sent an angel, my daughter. For 8 years, she was my world and my love for her was unmatchable. I was contented and life was great. While there was no reason to crack open my heart again, making it dependent upon the well being of yet another little person.

I knew our personal goals would be delayed, our travel trips put on hold and many comforts would be needed to sacrificed. As soon as I gave permission to myself, there it was. Yet another somebody whom I love incredibly and compares not to any other love I had before.

My living room is chaotic, kids are shrieking with uncanny hops and tumbles,with their dad equally enjoying this loud overwhelming love. I didn't quite imagine this scenario, neither did I know my daughter of such divine character in past even had such abilities. And moments later my heart pouring out with love only a mother can know watching her family. But this doesn't last long. One eye on the clock that reminds me that I am running fifteen minutes late to put kids to sleep which would impact only my schedule the next day ( who cares ). Also the bedtime is one of the best times to see cute button routines of reading the same book over and again, cuddles, hugs and kisses just pouring endlessly and some magic words before they finally rest, and me too. But kids are great at stalling sleep. Just so you know a mother's love can endure any reluctance to sleep, another reason for them to have conversations.

In morning with everyone is gone for the chores, me and my young buddy are home. This is the time when amid all ruckus we find some magic moments that make life worthwhile. I can't just wait to pick up my young man after he wakes up. All drooly and mushy love over my face and shoulders give a sense of belonging, The chubby little fingers are always reaching out for something they aren't supposed to. The little gaa gaa, made up words and beginning of talking is so endearing, I would want him to continue forever. Running my hands through his golden blonde smooth locks melts my heart and gives me such pleasure when it is enough to put him to sleep.  I love seeing him taking naps, they seem to be so angelic, faces seem so kissable that you want them to wake up to be in your arms. I would rather just keep that as a secret and never let him know, who would want to give a few hours of sanity! His loud toys and annoying songs have become so much a part that I keep humming it to myself.

The best of this routine is that he looks upto me for everything he needs- food, comfort, bath, change of clothes, nap, entertainment, play and of all love. It feels great to be responsible for someone who is my reflection, a part of me outside my body. Love grows and multiplies with family and leaves us with innumerable memories to last a lifetime.

Fabulous Four Decades

So what has changed for me?
Nothing much except I am aware of the fact that I have seen four decades. Fate has transpired against me and yup I turned Forty. I feel awesome and fabulous. Though I had apprehensions an evening before I turned forty about my life’s purpose and value, I am quite sure of one thing; I am here to make a difference in someone’s Life.

I feel there has been a whiff of air around me that smells new, flowers blooming looked prettier than yesterday and sky looked humble with bejewelled clouds spreading its wings of joys. I feel my best friend, my dad still watching upon me and joined by mother in law in someplace, they both are applauding my journey so far.

Things have changed and I feel amiss. But nothing I could do about, so I am learning to be strong. I feel these four decades have seen me through thick and thin. There have been so many valuable lessons squeezed in quiet and not so extra ordinary life of mine. I am loving getting older, spending life with my husband and my two loving children. I am learning many new things everyday from them that it seems like a new beginning. I am beginning to except my flaws and admitting seems like the first move towards redirecting myself for better version of me. I have become more tolerant of situations, though might not be in good light always.

My birthday week has given me tremendous peace and love. Spending time away from life’s busy arms is the best gift one could give to themselves. This week I have had great time with myself, knowing what gives me happiness and inculcating in little joys that bring a smile in the face from within. I am grateful that I am meeting people in life for a reason and there is some connect with every soul we meet here. Life is uncertain and the only way to diminish these uncertainties is to mask them with memories. I would love to create endless memories and live life till I fade. Let this decade be an inward journey.

Kiaan is officially a Toddler !#?

My Darling Kiaan,

Congratulations. You are One ! and officially a Toddler now.

Although just considering that my heart aches. Not long before you were put on my chest and tiny hands and legs curled up on my face. I was all prepared for that day. I had make up on, so I guess!

Since then how amazing it has been to watch you grow and learn everyday. You have been looking at life with big eyes and your long black hair have been the talk of the town. Everyone who saw you commented what an alert baby you are. Mommy's love and Dad's charisma left you spellbound and active. You learnt 'FOMO' quite early.

First few months you were blessed to have all your loved ones around you pampering you and carrying you at a drop of a hat. My favourite part of those times was you falling asleep on me and your soft cheeks squished against my arms or face and I just wanted time to stop there. But time moved on very quickly.

But all this while it has not been an easy ride through the year with you. Ever since your birth our lives had been frantic and exhausting with you being an attention demanding, energetic and alert child. I would wonder everyday where do you get this force of life from? Your cry has been far most the most devastating part of the journey. I felt so helpless not knowing your need at times and that made our lives (days and nights) long and miserable in the beginning. But soon you fell in routines and that made you calm to some extent and part of the day and night. Phew! What relief it was to see you happy, giggling and little noises you made with your parted lips. You saved your beautiful first smile for me and that made my day when I so desperately needed it.

You love so many things, books and a lot of books, balls, ride-ons, crinkling paper, getting off the bed, touching fans and wires, your socks and shoes, your carrier and many more. You love listening to the music just like mommy does. You love roaring like a tiger. We love that too. And you love bath time so much, playing and feeling water for the first time amazed you so much that you kept doing it again. You have a smirky look that I am totally gaga over. After evening snack, you can't wait to just go out in your pram. And once I let you out of pram, you just can't control your freedom. You go on the slide from the wrong side, drifting slowly yourself up the slide and you did manage it the first time you did. What an achievement it was for you my boy! You love playing with Tanvi didi, You are mostly up in the evening by the time she comes back, so eager to hug her and play with her. She loves you to moon and back.

You have five teeth and look so cute. But trust me when I say, it hasn't been easy on either of us or you. The unending battles in the night not knowing so clearly what is bothering you, whether it is an earache, tummy ache or just itchiness in the gums is making you cranky and restless. Your loud and inconsolable cries especially in the night were enough to bring down whole of our world. Your anxious wails made us feel incompetent even after having already raised an angelic child.

What I love the most about you ? Well, I can go on forever and still won't be able to list what is it the most I love about you. To begin with, I love you for who you are, our baby. I love the way your tiny fingers wrap around my face, my chest and my fingers. The featherlike touch is so magical. You little coos make my heart melt and I just want you remain this tiny. I love the silly sounds you make, they are the sweetest sounds I have heard.

Most importantly you love your mom, dad and sister. No wonder your first few words were Mumma, Dida, and Baba (quite late though, not liked by your dad). The year passed by so quickly, that I guess I didn't had enough of baby time with you. Now look at you, you have not just been walking confidently but at times running so fast, it's hard to catch you. And you are so clever that you never miss clacking of doors, so you just know when they are open. You make us follow to the room, just to see you leaning on the bed and enjoying the chase game.

My Son, you are growing up fast and I don't want to remember awful times we had together, whether it was multiple blood test, needle pricking those tiny feet would have made any heart ache or keeping you naked in bilibed with your beautiful eyes covered to protect you from razor sharp light. You are our son-shine and we are so glad we are your parents. Thanks for coming into our lives.

Happy First Birthday Kiaan. It's a beginning of so many new things.

Gratitude

How often do we feel thankful for all the blessings in life? May be a lot of times. How often do we thank people behind those blessings in life? Not quite often.
And I wonder Why ? Sometimes it's sheer procrastination- a beautiful art of delaying things in perspective of doing it someday, sometimes it doesn't seem that necessary or may be lack of recognising the reason or people themselves. For whatever the reason may be, gratitude takes a backseat.

I always had this habit of thanking people for even the jobs that seem mundane. Quite often I would thank my mother and father for all the things they would do for me.  But I guess it is the thankfulness to those who do good beyond their capacity without any expectations.

So I write this as I owe thanks to a lot of reasons behind the blessings in my life.

1. My Family

Life has a sarcastic way of working itself out. I have been in many tough situations where I couldn't change or control much to my best. All I could do was to accept things will fall back in place, may be not the way I desire but may be in my interest. During these hard times, I am thankful I had my family in life and how grateful I felt consciously in that moment.

I am thankful to my Mum and Dad for bringing me into this world, supporting me when I failed and giving me the courage to face what may come. They have been my idol and my pillar of strength. Me and my brother call our Mum 'Champion'. Because she is one, in all sense: from running errands to standing as a pillar of strength after my Dad's demise. My Dad has been my mentor and my strength in thick and thin. He has held my hand when I needed the most without me saying a word to him and he had let me go when I needed to spread my wings. Without him, if I stand today is because of him.

My mum's sisters and brother, their spouses and children, uncles and aunts have stood by us in times of dire need. Their contagious energy and support has overflowed and rippled through our lives. We are such closely knit yet not poking into each others' space. It's a beautiful family I am grateful for and I truly appreciate their presence in our lives. The list entails my masis and their spouses, my mama and mami, my mum's uncles and aunts and my cousins especially Sakshi. I recall various moments when all I wanted was to cry my heart out and one person who supported me was Surbhi Bhabhi. My brother has always been a silent support for me when I was vulnerable and upset. My husband Manik has been a patient listener when my grieving was a mess and each day was insurmountably difficult.

2. People I don't know
Life is short and as much as we know it will come to an end, 'when' is lurking? I have seen people swarm our house at my Dad's sudden demise and then again at my Mother-in-Law's. At the time when you are picking yourself up to move from denial to acceptance of what has happened, there are some people you don't even know, never met before may be but may seem so connected. These people understand silence better than many other and are truly there for you on the darkest nights. These people truly deserve appreciation and a heartfelt gratitude. I have along list, my immediate neighbours, my mum and dad's acquaintainces, mostly acquired , some from sojourn journeys whilst other casual buddies, from my distant cousins and my mum in laws' neighbours.

3. People who have hurt me 
Sometimes people who hurt you bring about a change in life for which you later want to thank them. I have had people who haven't acknowledged my integrity and honest demeanour, my hardwork and painstaking efforts and in return has helped me find better opportunities, given a larger perspective in life and become a stronger person. Their intentional or unintentional moves have paved way for a better course of life. Wouldn't be a good idea to thank them in public, haha

With each passing day after my Dad's departure, I have become more grateful for what I have in life.
Life is too short to moan over petty issues. Not too short to thank those who truly deserve.

New Child, New Hopes

Becoming a mother second time wasn't only hard for me but also unnerving. No, not for the fact that I had lost zeal and energy I had seven years back but more so as people had started seeing seven year gap as a itch. No matter how convinced I was with my decision to be a mother again when I wanted to, people had already fabricated innumerous tales. But I guess nosy do gooders sense the air of confidence and leave you alone.

I had given myself enough time to be prepared to bring yet another being to life whom I have to nurture beautifully and completely. Yes it did take a long time for people around to understand. Kiaan, the name abounds blessings, the grace of God and truly he is, what I believe. 

After Dad parted ways with me, I was no longer interested in the world around me. In frustration to test waters around self, I questioned Almighty of his presence around me and that is when a desire to have a boy was born. I wished for my Dad's personification that was truly mine. And God bestowed upon me her blessings, a beautiful present on the day of Christmas of 2017. 

Kiaan, soon to be three month old has been an amusing little creature and his escapades have been legendary. Every evening when we both look forward to an evening stroll, a part of me is undusting the lost hopes and charms an unetched mind brings.

Aware of his routine, Kiaan was quiet as I lay him in the stroller and fastened the belt. His beautiful big eyes dilated to accommodate immense beauty nature had on offer and sharp ears to absorb distinct sounds. My little dazzler didn't blink an eye ensuring he didn't miss any moment of spectacular display around him, from deep shadow of a canopy of a tree to sun lit evening sky, whisper of our passage through the dry grass to the thick clouds with a silver lining, buzzing sounds of playful children to the whirring chizz of the insects, call of Koel to the ringing phones, tall glassy buildings to heavy traffic on the street across. His ears were responding from the quietest whisper to the loudest bark of a dog. His mouth opened several times in awe and closed itself without much intervention. It seemed like he had seen something I never saw in last four years of my stay in this condo. He soon made me see beyond the cursory look I always had. The same place started to appear magical and celestial. 

Every evening we both look forward to our magical time of unwinding, unlearning and learning new things, of building hopes and dreams from scratch, of enjoying our present and living the moment.

You are never too old for a piece of a cake or more

Yes, it's again that time of the year , it's my Birthday . When it comes to celebrating birthdays, I have always enjoyed pampering my Loved ones on their special day. But as I seem to be nearing the big number , I tend to be dabbling in sobriety and calmness. And especially if it is mine.

With my best friend, my dad, not being the first person to wish me, I have come to an understanding that's it's just another day. I am glad I have passed on the legacy to my daughter and the invisible amulet to my husband who have surpassed me in all capacity to cast that charm. They both have been busy preparing for my day with on purpose sneaky discussions taking about unsure plans A, B, C and so on. I will confess it sometimes generated my interest and at other times completely exasperated me. Nevertheless, knowing my almost to be 7 year old daughter excitedly waiting for my birthday as it soon paves way for her birthday in a few days time. And, she demands the same extent and blend of surprise, enthusiasm and aura, if not more.

So finally on the day of birthday, I woke up to a bird's call, a frequent visitor, reminiscent of unshared and untold memories. Enjoying my everyday cup of tea in serenity, unstirred by any daily hustle, I had made a good start to the day. Only short-lived as I heard my daughter and husband mutter at a distance.

My daughter came out to the living room and gave me an excited hug and dragged me back to our bedroom. Both, my daughter and my husband were prepared to announce the beginning of my day. Surrounded by chic wrapped gifts and self made paper bouquet by my daughter, I had the privilege to unwrap them. Bejeweled with fine creations and extortionate fragrance, I was gleeful. Soon after morning prayers, we headed to Sikh temple. On our way back, our daughter decided to make us succumb to her choices and we all were soon watching Smurfs shortly after. We had a lovely lunch outdoor and returned home. I had some plans to visit the old age home and in the evening I decided to embark on sublime journey of spending my life with people whom I didn't know.

When I returned home, I was ecstatic to see the most beautiful creation,ncovered in blue sky and teacher's favorite accessories 'Books' themed fondant cake made by my husband who has never indulged in baking cakes ever before. Not only was it a surprise but I felt blessed to have such a caring and loving family.

And not just one cake but he had another favorite indulgent awfully chocolate cake kept in for a surprise in case he wouldn't have succeeded in his challenging mission. Well, you are never to old for a piece of cake. This is what exactly what my girlfriends thought when they got me just another cake and gifted me books. 'I wasn't born teacher', I asked myself. But I had a lot of fun with so much going on this day, made me feel special and loved. I truly feel blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by love.

Dry Confessions

Tales of wine tasting

So I finally decided to accompany my husband on a wine tasting tour to Yarra valley in NSW in Australia. As we started looking at the adverts boasting of adventurous journey through the forests, mountain ranges and the vineyards of Victoria, it became all the more enticing for us to set on this remarkable journey we were expecting to experience.

We started our day early around 6.30 am in Oz winter, with our well suited attire that winter forces us. Wondering now that a long coat could do all the wonders, why worry about dressing appropriately for the weather. But really I didnt see Oz mate sporting the coat either. I saw many women wearing tights underneath summer dress with chic scarf. Guys would approve these women to be really hot.

Our tour guide didn't arrive until 8.30 am , so we decided to explore St. Paul's Cathedral opposite to Flinders Street Station. During my stay in Australia, I learnt that constructional plans for this 103 year old building got exchanged for magnificient Mumbai's Victoria Terminus in India.

After picking a few other companions and a 55 minute relaxing ride to unspoilt greenery, lushing vineyards and heavenly backdrop sightings, we reached at the first winery Domaine Chandon.
By this time I was completely convinced by amazing company we had on tour, that this was the favorite time of the day for booze. Yes, indeed, 10 a.m was just the best time to start my favorite activity.

After a detailed tour of the vineyard and cellar door with insight to how grapes are handpicked, fermentation units and yeast is removed from the wine bottles, our group of 8 people arrived at the wine tasting bar. With mostly locals and my Connosieur husband, I felt a bit inadequate in expertise in this widely known and enjoyed area.

Now here I was indulging in an expensive endeavor with no expertise; the next best move was to really learn the palate on my own by trying a different varietal each time.

 I was experiencing a hangover in my head for why would a non drinker land up here. Yes I did, and I didn't had enough courage to not raise up a toast, decline a sparkling glass of wine after a sophisticated tutored information about the wine, and was unprepared to face bewilderness of women my Grandma's age soaking in thoroughly.

After a thorough mastery of Pinot Noir, Chardonay, Shiraz , Tempurilina and more, I was more than prepared to taste these amazing wines. As everybody started enjoying the exquisite, expensive and immersing experience, I was on a lookout for my husband who seemed to enjoy the richness of the offerings and had completely forgotten the miseries of a married men. After he emptied his first glass of sparkling wine, I discreetly passed my lip touch glass in exchange of my husband's limpid goblet. Aah, what a relief for me I conquered as a practitioner in others' eyes and as a wine afficianado.
I kept checking on my daughter occasionally who was busy reading her new found love in Finding Dory, thanks to Ellen show for promoting it so well to pester me into buying one for her. I would say I wasn't amazed at seeing her unmoved indulgence but she made me quite comfortable at the tour by acknowledging my sole purpose for this one. " Go on mum, carry on with wine tasting. I am doing fine." I must admit I felt scandalous.

The elegant journey with a twirl in a glass followed by regurgitation in tract follwed by an ocassional spit in a spitoon and more often covert exchanges had just started. After tasting 8 different wines in the first winery, we paved our way to the next vineyard for more discernable experiences of fruity to earthy, pleasant to dry. Until now, I never knew of taste as a complex sense. The thought of visiting five to six wine tasting in each sessions and 4 more wineries to visit was making me dizzy and I had no clue how will I be able to sustain with my secret mission until then.

Although I didn't really much appreciate the taste of wine anticipated by the aromas, a hedonistic way of enjoying the wine to the fullest but I think this tour made me tad bit adept in gustatory delights. I am seriously thinking of taking up a strategic role as a wine sommelier in future crossing road with a firm crisp full bodied experience.